Kaede Kayano VS Ika Musume
by Col. Sayaka Miki
Summary: Our favorite green-haired assassin takes on the invader from the sea in a rap battle for the ages.


**Two names are selected from an ever-growing list of now one thousand characters, and the selection is...**

 **KAEDE KAYANO**

 **VS**

 **IKA MUSUME**

 **BEGIN!**

 **(Squid Girl)**  
 _Shinryaku!_  
 _Destruction from the waves_  
 _Emissary of the sea, so you better behave_  
 _I'm here to inkvade, can't wait to sea you cave_  
 _The land belongs to me, the aquatic girl brave_  
 _Tentacular!_  
 _Conqueror of humanity_  
 _You don't look afraid, but sucker you'd better be_  
 _The oceans comprise most of the world's surface_  
 _And babysitting Humans is not its sole purpose_  
 _I stand for power, like the unrelenting storm_  
 _Had a mind to lick your mathematics since the day I was airborne_  
 _Top level inktelligence, they gave me my own show_  
 _And I ain't even squidding, mothersucker I glow_  
 _Boo!_  
 _So you're the assassin for the Squidian overlord?_  
 _Please, MIT's top graduates have been leaving me bored_  
 _But you Humans are a threat to the natural world_  
 _Go ahead, do your worst, green-haired little girl_

 **(Kayano)** _  
Gah! I can't stand it, I need something to throw_  
 _I hate stupid people who think they know it all_  
 _Your stupid fishy puns definitely need to go_  
 _And I'm more than a match for you; your chest's small_  
 _That's right! Assassin! Trained to be a killer_  
 _I can finally settle down once your kind is all gone_  
 _You had twenty-four episodes, but all of them were filler_  
 _And every minute of mine was tentacles all along_  
 _You want to conquer the world that I am here to save_  
 _I'll catch you off guard and make you lose your footing_  
 _Can you take a trap door that I'll turn into your grave_  
 _Or should I just blow you up in a gigantic pudding_  
 _But I shouldn't waste food and waste you and the bait_  
 _Leave perfectly good squid lying dead in the ditch_  
 _You're alone, after all, I've got assassin classmates_  
 _We'll make some ikayaki and feed you to Jelabitch_

 **(Squid Girl)**  
 _Wait, you can't eat me! That's against the rules!_  
 _You can't eat the contestants in epic rap duels!_

 **(Kayano)**  
 _Karma, start up the grill! We're having cephalopod!_  
 _Now, you blue-haired wimp, pray to your squid-god!_

 **(Squid Girl)**  
 _Dam it, these are tentacles, you pitiful Humans_  
 _I'll show you who's in charge, cameras zoom in_  
 _See the pinpoint accuracy of my amazing appendages_  
 _Eight powerful attacks, and two making shrimp sandwiches_  
 _Distance! I can trash a lookout tower a kilometer away_  
 _Strength! I can pummel into submission anything any day_  
 _Precision! Split a mosquito in half from its tail to its nose_  
 _Speed! I can wrap, tangle, and entrap faster than a jet goes  
I claim the authority of the water, to take domain of the land  
Breaking sons of fishes into pieces at the Pacific's command  
This is an all out war, and I'm a squid army of one  
If a catfish had your tongue then this wouldn't be fun  
Total control of my weight, among many other things  
I can take you out with just a slap from one of my hat's wings  
So give me all you got, you pathetic little shrimp  
My fourteen strong limbs will leave your measly four limp_

 **(Kayano)**  
 _I don't think you know what you're doing, silly squid_  
 _But I'll play along and I'll defeat you all the same_  
 _You never had to face the kinds of terrors that I did_  
 _Activate my trap and only now reveal my real name_  
 _It's Akari Yukimura! Now get it seared into your head_  
 _I've taken every piece of advice that Korosensei ever said_  
 _You can't question the kind of mental strength I require_  
 _To never even say a word with these things burning like a fire_  
 _Seeded with my own tentacles that hurt like hell_  
 _Both for me and anyone that's ever caught in my path_  
 _Mad with this power and a hidden history to tell_  
 _I've been waiting for forever so I can unleash my wrath_  
 _It's inhuman creatures that put our planet in danger_  
 _Mutations or monsters, all just freaks of nature_  
 _So now I have a squid and an octopus to destroy_  
 _This is where you die! Hold my pudding, boys_


End file.
